So here I sit in my tiny cubicle at work, too far away from the places I really need to be. A month or two ago, this wouldn't be a problem because then, I had some time off and I could be with the girl of my dreams, the girl that I married, my girl, my Tara. Panda. Unforuntately, while I want more than anything to be holding her in my arms right now as we watch yet another episode of either Cold Case Files or First 48, I'm stuck working. It's the right thing - money is good and it will lead to that beautiful, ever eventual day where I can retire and she can retire and we can spend the rest of our lives traveling and watching bad TV.
I can't write on Myspace here. I can't write on Facebook. I try to keep most of my personal stuff on those blogs, but really, I try not to be too personal online anymore anyways. What do I have to be personal about? My life is good. I'm happy. I've been in a relationship for 3 years that has taught me how to change, how to grow, and has lead me to become so much stronger and better than I ever was before. The important people in my life who know me have seen this change and they're enthralled, excited, and they, like I, know that the source of all this goodness is Tara. She's the one that made it worth it for me. To stop living in drama, to give up feeling like everybody else's business was mine, to stop cutting and being depressed and to stop FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I think that's something that plagues some people, and I think it's the most debilitating thing in the world. Feeling sorry for yourself means spending all your time blaming and assessing and crying and finding it hard to breathe. I know. This is literally how I've spent my entire life... up until Tara.
Now I've lived through losing loved ones. I've suffered real loss. I've struggled with the frustration and pitfalls of trying to take us to the next stage in our lives, something that's been a real eye-opener. I know what real pain and real loss and real ambition feels like, and now, when I look back at the other times in my life where I hyperventilated over a girl cheating on me or dumping me, where I cut because I felt like I hated myself for being a few pounds overweight, for just some o fthe more stupider things I've done in my life, I'm more than a little embarrassed.
I don't know what I'm trying to say now besides that I'm a lucky, lucky guy. I'm lucky because I found love, I'm lucky because she found it back. I'm lucky because she opened my eyes, I'm lucky because I fought a lifetime of bad experiences and shite rolemodels to be worthy of her. I'm sad I can't be with her right now when I know she could probably use a chubby hubby to cuddle with, but I know that she can feel the love I'm sending her right now. Thank god for her.