BAGEENA

The Ferris/Fight Club Theory and What Crimes Did Ferris Commit on his Day Off?

  This is exactly, exactly why I spend so much time over at Metafilter.  Two incredibly awesome bits of recent activity there:

 1.  My favorite thought-piece about Ferris Bueller is the "Fight Club" theory, in which Ferris Bueller, the person, is just a figment of Cameron's imagination, like Tyler Durden, and Sloane is the girl Cameron secretly loves.

One day while he's lying sick in bed, Cameron lets "Ferris" steal his father's car and take the day off, and as Cameron wanders around the city, all of his interactions with Ferris and Sloane, and all the impossible hijinks, are all just played out in his head. This is part of the reason why the "three" characters can see so much of Chicago in less than one day -- Cameron is alone, just imagining it all.

It isn't until he destroys the front of the car in a fugue state does he finally get a grip and decide to confront his father, after which he imagines a final, impossible escape for Ferris and a storybook happy ending for Sloane ("He's gonna marry me!"), the girl that Cameron knows he can never have.

2.  Seeking list of crimes committed by Ferris Bueller during his Day off.

I would like a comprehensive list of each offense Ferris and his friends commit during the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". Ideally, please list the offense (criminal trespass to vehicle, battery, etc.) and the category of crime if it was committed by an adult (eg, felony, Class A Misdemeanor, etc.) Illinois jurisdiction. Thank you very much.

Awkward Boners

This site is too funny for words.  It's probably NSFW too.

Pooh on the Swine Flu.

Pity the Jury Pool!

 Pity the prospective juror named Mr. T.

He showed up for jury duty, then was dismissed after hours of down time — which he used to sign autographs and pose for pictures.

Mr. T was called for jury duty at Cook County Circuit Court on Monday. The Chicago native said he enjoyed fulfilling his civic responsibilities, even though he found — like countless others — that hours can pass before a judge decides to dismiss you.

MMM! A whole chicken in a CAN! Life is good.

Hungry? Yeah, but are you whole chicken in a can hungry? That's right folks, Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken (without giblets) is an entire cooked chicken in a can (a big one). Equally perfect for camping trips or throwing up everywhere! Hit the jump to see an uncanning in progress, which will leave you wondering why you've ever eaten anything else. Then go get one. You'll be doubled over on the bathroom floor with the runs quicker than you can say "I think I ate the asshole"! Bon Appétit!

Hit it for the uncanning. Really makes me want one.

Auto-Tune the News #2 Lyrics

  Ok, I know this is sad as sad can be, but I've listened to it long enough to catch pretty much all the lyrics, so just in case anyone really wanted them, here they are.  It's official - I'm gay for Michael Gregory.  His parts are in italics.

Autotune the News #2

You gotta do it like this.
Shorty!
Ready, set, go.
  This is a pretty remarkable week on the gay marriage front.  First of all, to have a state like Iowa..
  Whatchu tryin' to say about Iowa?
  Not an east coast thing.
  East coast!
  Not a west coast thing.
  West coast!
In a decision written by a republican Wednesday.
  Shorty!
  Now your sounding so fine, give me your number we can bump and grind.  Talkin' about politics all night, keepin it cool till the mornin' light. 
  If we get carried away we might be gay baby, today.
  We just heard from some of our viewers who strongly support legalizing marijuana.
  Shorty!  Five of them calls was from meeeee!
  Do you think we should legalize pot alone or all drugs including heroin, cocaine and meth?
  My mind says no but my body says yes!
  I'm an angry gorilla, I heard you needed me.
  Captain Richard Phillips has been successfully rescued.  The President has decided to step in front of the spotlight.
  I'm angry.  You can't see it but my forhead's painted.
  Even taking credit for authorizing the mission.
  Don't you worry baby boo, you'll always have an angry gorilla to be angry with you.  That's what I do.  Just ask Donkey Kong, he's in my crew.
  At the North Pole, new satellite photos show arctic ice is melting so fast...
  Oh snap!  How fast!
Many scientists now predict it will be gone within 30 years.
  Surely you jest, I'm under cardiac arrest!  Shorty!
  Some researchers think it could disappear in just six.
  Shit!
Without it, there could be a snowball effect with temperatures rising even faster if we all don't take bold action and take it soon.
  We will find ourselves on very thin ice, very thin ice, very thin ice, very thin ice.  Putting pirates on very thin ice.
  These pirates are criminals.  They are armed gangs on the sea.
  That means the ocean!

The United States does not make concessions or ransom payments to pirates.

  *phone rings*

Embarrassing, sorry guys.  Oh sorry, I've got to take this.

  Hello Shorty!  We can meet up at the mall, at the mall, right around the bookstore at the mall.

 

Hiiiiiiiighlarious!

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

Monty Python vs Star Wars

Some say Star Wars kicked off the mashup movement and there's no doubting the movies are prime material for mashing. Here are some of the best Star Wars mashups.

Added Ninja!

Effing Idiots

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has removed a children's coloring book from its web site following criticism over its inclusion of drawings of the September 11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. The coloring book, titled "A Scary Thing Happened," is geared towards helping kids "cope with disasters," and was prepared by a Minnesota crisis response team. Until yesterday, the coloring book could be downloaded from the FEMA web site.

World's Most Beautiful Tattoo? Probably Not.

Author Aviva Yael has nominated this dolphin tattoo as her favourite of all she found, saying: "A shark sitting on a La-Z-Boy, smoking a bong, with a tribal tattoo on its fin - every element of that is retarded and thus, it's timeless."

Everyone Had to Get Up Early Today.

  I was feeling sorry for myself, having to be up and out of bed this morning at 6am.  I hate, hate, HATE any time of day that's prior to, let's say, 10am at the very earliest.  I usually don't hit the hay until 1 or 2 in the morning and I like my rest.  A lot.

  However, I feel really bad for these people;

The NBC4 newsroom received a lot of calls about the loud noise.  It could even be heard from the newsroom up in Tenleytown.

One person who wrote in to us said:

"There is a deafening noise coming from Intelstat building at the corner of Connecticut Ave and Van Ness street NW. It started at 5:30AM and has not stopped. Residence are awake and alarmed but no one knows what it is. Police were called, came by briefly and left."

So what was it? 

The Department of Emergency Management told News4 Wednesday morning that it was someone's house alarm in the 3500 block of Macomb Street NW.  However, commenters below pointed out they didn't think a house alarm could be that loud.  After calling the DEM back, they were sticking with their story, saying that a home alarm was the culprit.

However, we later received a tip that the sound came from the University of the District of Columbia.  A letter was sent out to the UDC community late Wednesday morning:

Mulberry Street (2007)

  Ah, the Horrorfest movies.  Some good, some bad, some really bad, and some much akin to what I imagine getting raped by a bear might be like.  Mulberry Street, thankfully, is.... alright.

  Mulberry Street is like Quarantine (a remake of the much superior spanish horror film, Rec) except instead of a deadly outbreak of a disease that turns you into a mindless, blood hungry maniac contained within a building, it's contained within the island of Manhattan.  Also, instead of this being another 28 Days Later or I Am Legend, these blood hungry disease-ridden people aren't mutating into zombies.... they're becoming rat people.  I know, it sounds cheesy and it could definitely have been cheesy, but honestly, it wasn't.

  I think the reason they were able to pull this scenerio off successfully was for a variety of reasons.  For one reason, the cinematography was fantastic - the film felt gritty, dirty - much like the streets of the city, the film was dark, lights constantly going out and flickering on... off... on... off.  The rats that originally bore the virus bit a few initial victims, and from there it spread like wildfire.  The survivors in the streets and apartments the story centered on not only had to avoid the rats, but the people who were very quickly mutating into fast, hairless, pointy-toothed ravenous, mindless killers.  They had ratlike features - some ran on four legs, some had pointy ears, but they still seemed to maintain a little of the intelligence that they once had.  Punching through doors, tearing through ceilings to escape being trapped.  They are hungry, they want to eat you, and they are fast.

  Another thing I felt probably helped the movie was that it was unhindered by a famous cast or even so much as a familiar face.  The movie mostly followed six or seven people who all lived in the same building, although much of the action does take place in the streets and outside the apartment complex.  The characters felt real and charming, from the two old men who lived together and bickered tenderly to the main character, a man waiting for his daughter (who had just gotten out of the military) to come home.  All of the actors played their parts beautifully, which is very impressive for not just a horror movie, but a movie with a very small budget.

  So I'm going to suggest that, if your a zombie fan or a horrorbuff, you check this film out.  It's different, it's good, it's worth the money to rent or buy.  Or, you know.... download if that's your thing.  ;)

The History of Graffiti and Street Art

Graffiti, Street-Art, Urban-Art; with nearly 20,000 years of cultural evolution behind it, it’s still art by any other name and nothing seems able to stem its phenomenal popularity.  We’ve come a long way from the simple cave-paintings of our ancient past, and the amazing diversity of today’s graffiti has shown an enviable mating of resilience and adaptability.  The once-simple idea of drawing on a nearby public wall has become something truly extraordinary in a world increasingly walled-off and walled-in.  Art’s most public legacy has definitely reached maturity.

Swine Flu is going global, moving fast... when will real panic begin?

The World Health Organization raised its pandemic alert for swine flu to the second highest level Wednesday, meaning that it believes a global outbreak of the disease is imminent.

WHO Director General Margaret Chan declared the phase 5 alert after consulting with flu experts from around the world. The decision could lead the global body to recommend additional measures to combat the outbreak, including for vaccine manufacturers to switch production from seasonal flu vaccines to a pandemic vaccine.

Another Republican shows her ugly, sick empty soul..

  Oh man.  There's no words right now for the anger I feel after reading this article.  I know that it's wrong to wish it, wrong to say it, wrong to even think it, but I wish that this congresswoman could suffer the very same fate that befell Matthew Shephard years ago.  I feel bad voicing it, but better that than in any way really acting out, I suppose.  What a sick, awful human being.  I can't wait until the Republican party is small enough that we can just drown it in a fucking bathtub.

The House Republican chosen to lead the charge against including women, people with disabilities, and gays in America's already-existing hate crimes law - existing law already counts violent crime based on the race, religion or national origin of the victim as a "hate crime" - just referred on the US House floor to Matthew Shepard's murder as "a hoax."

You will recall that Matthew Shepard was the young gay man in Laramie, Wyoming who, a decade ago, was tied to a fence, Jesus-like, pistol whipped in the head some 50 times, then left for dead in the cold fall night, only to be found a day later clinging to life. Shepard died five days later. Even though Shepard's murderers admitted that they killed him because he was day, the far-right bigots who control the Republican party couldn't resist the opportunity to gay-bash Shepard one last time. Now by referring to his brutal murder as a hoax.

Series of drawings by a person with progressive schizophrenia

At long last... The Zodiac Killer will be Reeeeeeeeevealed...

The Zodiac killer, who taunted and terrified Bay Area residents in the late 1960s with cryptic letters and a trail of victims, has been identified, according to a group claiming to have cracked the case that has baffled police for decades.

The killer is not one of the handful of men repeatedly linked to the 40-year-old crime spree, according to the group, which plans to announce its findings today.

The group also says new evidence shows the killer had an accomplice for some of the slayings.

I love my Wife, Tara Press.

  So here I sit in my tiny cubicle at work, too far away from the places I really need to be.  A month or two ago, this wouldn't be a problem because then, I had some time off and I could be with the girl of my dreams, the girl that I married, my girl, my Tara.  Panda.  Unforuntately, while I want more than anything to be holding her in my arms right now as we watch yet another episode of either Cold Case Files or First 48, I'm stuck working.  It's the right thing - money is good and it will lead to that beautiful, ever eventual day where I can retire and she can retire and we can spend the rest of our lives traveling and watching bad TV.

  I can't write on Myspace here.  I can't write on Facebook.  I try to keep most of my personal stuff on those blogs, but really, I try not to be too personal online anymore anyways.  What do I have to be personal about?  My life is good.  I'm happy.  I've been in a relationship for 3 years that has taught me how to change, how to grow, and has lead me to become so much stronger and better than I ever was before.  The important people in my life who know me have seen this change and they're enthralled, excited, and they, like I, know that the source of all this goodness is Tara.  She's the one that made it worth it for me.  To stop living in drama, to give up feeling like everybody else's business was mine, to stop cutting and being depressed and to stop FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.  I think that's something that plagues some people, and I think it's the most debilitating thing in the world.  Feeling sorry for yourself means spending all your time blaming and assessing and crying and finding it hard to breathe.  I know.  This is literally how I've spent my entire life... up until Tara.

  Now I've lived through losing loved ones.  I've suffered real loss.  I've struggled with the frustration and pitfalls of trying to take us to the next stage in our lives, something that's been a real eye-opener.  I know what real pain and real loss and real ambition feels like, and now, when I look back at the other times in my life where I hyperventilated over a girl cheating on me or dumping me, where I cut because I felt like I hated myself for being a few pounds overweight, for just some o fthe more stupider things I've done in my life, I'm more than a little embarrassed.

  I don't know what I'm trying to say now besides that I'm a lucky, lucky guy.  I'm lucky because I found love, I'm lucky because she found it back.  I'm lucky because she opened my eyes, I'm lucky because I fought a lifetime of bad experiences and shite rolemodels to be worthy of her.  I'm sad I can't be with her right now when I know she could probably use a chubby hubby to cuddle with, but I know that she can feel the love I'm sending her right now.  Thank god for her.

I love C&H!

Other Gods in the Bible

The Gods Of The Bible

---

From: Dan Ceppa
To: Kenneth Mcabee

>BJ> How do you explain the other gods mentioned in that Bible
>BJ> of yours?

KM> Ok, give me a passage.

Nice of you to ask. Knock yourself out.

---

By Norbert Sykes
Let's look at some of the Gods mentioned in the Bible:

  Adrammelech   II Kings 17:31  Sepharvite God.
  Anammelech   II Kings 17:31  Sepharvite God.
  Ashima     II Kings 17:30  Samaritan Moon Goddess.
  Ashtoreth    I Kings 11:05  Canaanite Goddess.
  Baal      I Kings 18:19  Canaanite God ("Lord") of
                   fertility, vegitation, and storms.
  Baal-berith   Judges 8:33   A regional variation/aspect of Baal.
  Baal-peor    Numbers 25:03  Moabite regional variation/aspect of
                   Baal.
  Baal-zebub   Luke 11:19    Philistine/Ekronian regional
                   variation/aspect of Baal.
  Baalim     I Kings 18:18  Canaanite Gods ("Lords"), a
                   collective of the different
                   aspects of Baa.
  Bel       Isiah 46:01   Assyrian/Babylonian/Sumerian God
                   ("Lord").
  Chemosh     I Kings 11:07  Moabite war God.
  Dagon      I Samuel 05:02  Philistine/Ekronian/Babylonian God
                   of agriculture.
  Diana of the
   Ephesians   Acts 19:35    Ephesian moon and nature Goddess,
                   ("Divine/Brilliant").
  Jehovah     Exodus 6:03   Hebrew God
  Jupiter     Acts 14:12    Roman God (possibly derived from
                   'Zeus-pater', Father Zeus).
  Lucifer     Isiah 14:12   ("Light-Bearer")
  Mercurius    Acts 14:12    Otherwise known as the Roman God
                   Mercury, God of communication and
                   travel, and messenger of the
                   Gods...which is probably why Paul
                   was called this at Lystra.
  Milcom     I Kings 11:05  Ammonite God
  Molech     I Kings 11:07  Ammonite God, also called Moloch,
                   most probably Baal-Hammon of
                   Carthage.
  Nebo      Isiah 46:01   Assyrian/Babylonian/Chaldean God of
                   wisdom and writing, also called
                   Nabu.
  Nergal     II Kings 17:30  Cuth/Assyrian/Babylonian war and
                   underworld God, also called
                   Meshlamthea.
  Nibhaz     II Kings 17:31  Avites God
  Nisroch     II Kings 19:37  Assyrian God
  Rimmon     II Kings 05:18  Babylonian/Syrian storm God
                   involved (as Ramman) with the
                   Deluge, according to Hebrew texts;
                   also known as Ramman/Rammon.
  Succoth-benoth  II Kings 17:30 Babylonian fertility Goddess ("She
                   Who Produces Seed"), also known as
                   Zarpanitu/Zerpanitum.
  Tammuz     Ezekial 8:14   Assyrian/Babylonian God
  Tartak     II Kings 17:31  Avites God

Please note that I'm not referring to any Deities not mentioned by name (for instance, the golden calf is not here). only alluded to, or ones I was just too tired to look up. };) I believe this gives us enough to work with. As you can see, it cleanly refutes your argument that Jehovah/Yahweh was the only God. That it does so in the 'supposed' word of God is a bonus.

PANDA ALERT!

2 NYPD Officers Face Rape Charges

This is horrible.

A New York police officer called to help a drunken woman get home safely instead raped her as she lay face down in her bed, semiconscious and covered in vomit while his partner acted as a lookout, prosecutors alleged Tuesday.

Reddit's Best Insults..

You can't beat Churchill's insults...

• A modest man, who has much to be modest about

• He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

• He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath

• Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it

• Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk. Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Oh man... FAIL.

  Lolworld is a very, very misleading website name.  But you'll see.  Just check this out!

  Life on Line Internet Consultants will help you use the internet to party like it's 1994!  This (somehow not on geocities) craptastic site offers such awesomenessess as;

*  We design creative, fresh web sites - or an online album for your special event  (Pets are a speciality!)

*  We give lessons in your Chicagoland or Denver home on your computer

*  Learn the in's and out's of Windows XP

Finding the Meaning of Jughead's Crown..

The other night, while attending a small dinner party, the conversation turned suddenly to the subject of Jughead's trademark; his goofy, crown-like hat.

I was surprised to discover that I hadn't brought it up, given my Archie obsession (that I wasn't aware I had until relatively recently).

A new NES game?

The 1990s were tough on Sunsoft. Though they had years of experience in creating video games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, culminating in some of the console's best games, the NES' waning popularity at the time resulted in some of these games never seeing the light of day in the United States.

The now-infamous U*fouria and Mr. Gimmick were two Sunsoft games that were advertised and prepared for US release, but later cancelled. Both were highly-praised games that suffered only from their own obscurity; English versions of both games saw exclusive, limited releases in parts of Europe late in the NES' lifespan.

However, one of Sunsoft's games didn't see release anywhere in the world, not even in its native Japan. And unlike Mr. Gimmick and U*fouria, this game was never even announced for release, rendering it completely unknown in the video gaming world. The name of this mysterious game was…Sunman.

Real Life (super?) Heroes... hmmm.

San Diego superheroes fight Skate-boarding sex-offender

…also love alliteration.

Mr. Extreme and Shadow Hare are dressed up in costumes that would make Bruce Wayne jealous (if he were a naked, crack-addicted homeless man deprived of sleep for 11 days… and not Bruce Wayne).

See the footage after the jump…

Finally... A Life of Science's The Apneist Debuts!

Check out their new website here.

  Check out my personal artwork here and the stuff I did with Aaron here.

  I'm so proud of the work I did with the guys from the band, and again, I can't stress how not only FANTASTIC the album is, but how good natured and down to earth the band is.  They deserve success, and if they don't get it in a world where my ear is raped by Eminem's newest songs, then I'm not sure this is a world that shouldn't be purged by Swine Flu.  You heard me people - go to the site, check out their Myspace, head over to I-Tunes and buy the album, and always support your local acts!

Torque (2004)

  I don't know why I watched this movie.  I didn't watch any of the Fast and Furious movies, I don't plan on watching Fighting, and I don't get boners for motorcycles.  I think they're cool, sure, who doesn't, but... *sigh*. 

  So this movie Torque is about a bunch of guys who all ride motorcycles who are in different gangs, identified by the color of your 'leathers', apparently.  They all get together, party, deal drugs, and then kill each other.  One guy, the main guy, is getting setup by a guy who's drugs he apparently stole or something.  He's setup by the angry bad guy who murder's Ice-T's brother and then has his girlfriend tell the FBI and Ice-T's motorbicycle gang that main guy did it.  I'd really tell you names if I could remember them, but the movie is quickly fading from my mind even though I've barely finished it.  It's either that forgettable or, perhaps, just so bad that my mind is protecting me by making me forget it.

  Anyways, there's lots of action and guns and really stupid, outrageous, unbelievable sequences that make movies like XXX look like Mrs. Doubtfire.  Seriously, the bad guy kills Ice-T's brother using a motorcycle chain which, according to the movie, is like a fingerprint - no two are the same!  So the main bad guy totally blew it!  Wait!!!!  The leader of the bad guys is Henry James.  The good guy is Ford.  The murdered brother is Jr.  That won't help you at all in discerning how any of this movie makes any sense.  I wish that, as the characters keep chirping over and over again, they'd all just drive on down to Mexico and ditch the (non)plot of this movie.

  So Ford needs to get Henry's bicycle so he can get the chain to prove to angry Ice-T and his outrageous leather gang.  That's about the whole story, really.  The movie is just people racing around, killing each other without real consequence.  The FBI agents chasing them are inept, but still totally radical with bedhead hair and that not-a-day-over-24 chereby angel faces.  Goddamn, I hate this movie.  Did I mention it's got a 3.5 rating at IMDB?  Also, seriously - When Ford drives past the road sign at the start of the film it spins and reads "cars suck".  Seriously.  Seriously.  Also, when a train hits a motorbike, why does it blow up like Hiroshima?  How does that make sense?  Also, why does good guy save Ice-T from the train?  Is he that good, that he would save the guy trying to kill him, even if it's because of misinformation?  There's so many questions, my head is swimming.  I'm nauseous from the headspinning, from this movie, from the pain in my head and the emptiness of my soul.  Check out this list of mistakes in the movie.  HENRY BADGUY'S BIKE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING CHAIN IN REAL LIFE.

  I'm sticking with movies like The Room and Surf Nazis Must Die.  So much better than this crap.